Make-up, Speedlight, and Books... Oh My!!!

So, since it's been a while since I did any blogging, it's time for catch up. Well of course we had the holidays and those are always fun and maddening at the same time. Our family always goes overboard even when we say we won't. Perhaps, we should stop saying that.

My most prized new possession is the speedlight I received from my dear T. He knew it was one of those last major things I'd like to have as part of my burgeoning photography career. I had mentioned it here and there, but never thought seriously about it because it's kinda pricey and big, but there it was. I was so excited. I feel even more professional now with this huge spotlight on my camera. This thing is getting heavy. I'm going to develop a photographer's muscle in my neck just toting it around. Anyway, back to the awesomeness that is the speedlight... it makes such a huge difference in your photos. No more deer in the headlights, stark, unflattering shadows. This illuminates the whole room! We played around with it at Christmas for some family photos. I got it back out the other night to play with it some more. I feel like we're getting somewhere now.

I'll post some pics later.

Make up... my latest money stealing addiction. I mean, I've worn make up for some time now, but it's getting a bit out of hand. I'm discovering the joy of all those upscale brands out there, all the fun colors and products that are supposed to make you look natural without looking made up. At this rate I will be able to make a small country look gorgeous in no time. I love the crap these products tell you though... what they're supposed to do, what they're capable of. I think I should be able to pull a lawsuit out of this somehow.

New Books

I love to read. I've always loved reading. I love getting swept up in some other person's life for a while. I've now completed quite a few series as of late. I was convinced into reading The 39 Clues, loved them... still working on them. Yes, I know they're for young adults. I've read the Hunger Games trilogy... LOVED. I read the Trueblood series, also thoroughly enjoyed. Now I'm onto the Darkfever series. I owe all of these to my dear friends. I get so overwhelmed in a bookstore and never know what to choose next, so I just let my friends do it for me. So far, we're batting a thousand. I'm considering starting a book club amongst us.

I've started to realize that I like having distractions and lists. They give me control in a world where I have little control. I think that's what has been throwing me off all these years. Now I need to just continue to harness this power and we'll all be good.

Re-Vamp!

Ok, so this whole blog thing hasn't quite caught on the way I had hoped. This is due mainly to my laziness in keeping up with it and partly because of the lack of imagination to come up with cool new posts. I need to get out there somehow. Show the world who I am, show them what I got... that kinda thing.

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My birthday is right around the corner. I'm into my mid-thirties now, mid thirties!!! I keep trying to figure out whatever happened to my twenties. I just feel like I'm hurtling towards the retirement home at this point and if I'm ever going to have something to show for myself, I better get going ASAP!

It's been a hectic few months... holidays, wedding planning, therapy, etc.. I'm in a new year and feel better than I have in quite a while. I think we've found a happy medium with the meds, I'm going back to the gym, I'm keeping all kinds of notes and journals. I have plans. I just hope I can keep up the momentum now. Let's be honest... I'm not one to keep up momentum well. I get bored easily and frustrated even more easily. I have decided though, that this time will be different. Don't ask me why or how... haven't gotten that far yet. I just know it will be. I'm going to make it be. I think I have a talent of some kind and just need a more well defined niche. I've got to push myself more than I ever have and that's not saying much. I do have my T though and with his help, I think I might actually be able to maintain this lifestyle more.

Deep Breaths.

I'm going to focus on the one thing I do love and do possess talent in... photography. After all the wedding hoopla has died down, I think I might try to take a class and I think I might try to make my own website and even perhaps get a gig of some kind. I can't give up. Not again. I won't let my life keep slipping through my fingers. I see it out there everyday and I keep thinking, why not me? When is it going to be my turn? I could do that! Well, now's my chance.

First step... blog more

This will become a new platform on which to once again start my life. I'm going to try to include more photography, put myself out there more. I have to tell myself it's ok to be selfish once in a while. I just don't want to lie on my deathbed one day and wonder what if about everything. I'm not getting any younger, and yes, I know I'm still so young. I can do this. It might hurt a little, or a lot, but I can do this.

Waiting to be Discovered

It has been waaaay too long since my last post. I'll be honest, I'm just lazy. I come home, scrounge together something edible and then plunk myself down in front of the boob tube for the remainder of the evening. I've been so drained and hopefully will be finding out what's causing it soon. I have been rather productive in the world of photography so I shall post some of that in a bit, but before that I'd like to address the recent onslaught of children and attempting to do what's "best" for them.

First... Happy Meals... Seriously, what the heck is going on? How can anyone possibly wage war on an icon that we all grew up with? It's a "HAPPY MEAL"! It makes kids happy and isn't that what we're always trying to do anyway? You have these parents that are suddenly so concerned about their children and their weight. I hate to break it to you, but this whole country is a whole lot fatter than it used to be and it's not because of Happy Meals. I also urge mom and dad to look in the mirror because it's pretty likely the apple doesn't fall far from the tree. People are lazier and less healthy than ever and that is because we're demanding that lifestyle all the time now. We want everything to come to us and be done for us because it represents intelligence and wealth. It represents how far we've come. We complain if we don't' get our money's worth when we go to restaurants so now we get these HUGE portions and feel compelled to eat all of it lest we waste any food and money. TV and video games have taken over. We are so afraid to send our kids outside because of all the horrible people out there and God forbid, we go out with our kids to get some fresh air and exercise, so now you have couch potatoes budding at a much younger age. It's really disturbing to see overweight kids. I wonder how it's even possible to be so heavy at such a young age. Shouldn't it take a lot longer to pack on those kinds of pounds? So mom and dad, stop trying to pass the buck and blame everyone else in the free world... no one is forcing you to buy your kids Happy Meals and as long as they're not eating one every night, it's not going to kill them. Take some responsibility and teach your kids how to live a healthy lifestyle.

Next, let's address this story about the little boy who dressed as Daphne for Halloween. I thought it was adorable and I was glad to hear that the other kids enjoyed it as well, so when I heard it was the other parents who were making fun of the little guy, I was appalled. Once again, kids learn by example. No wonder we have all these cases of bullying and ridicule for being different from the "norm." How dare a grown person tease a little boy for wanting to dress up for Halloween. As the mom pointed out, that's the whole point of the holiday... to dress up and make believe for a night. It's just fun. Stop reading so much into everything and if someone thinks a little boy dressing up as a girl for Halloween will "make" him gay... then they are even more ignorant and asinine than I could have ever imagined.

I feel like instead of trying to do the best thing for our kids, we're destroying the very idea and joy of childhood. We are taking away any opportunity for them to be kids. The adults are so concerned with being PC and producing these perfect little people, that they're missing the mark entirely. We used to be able to celebrate Christmas and Halloween and all other holidays in school without worrying about who we might offend or leave out. We actually called it "Christmas Break" and we would exchange gifts. Now it's "winter break" and you can't decorate or have gifts for fear you might offend someone else's beliefs. I'm tired of having to work around everyone else's demands. Live with it and let the kids enjoy themselves. I just can't believe there are people who actually think about these things in these terms and then make such a fuss that the whole regimen has to be reworked to please such a small percentage of people and everyone else suffers. It's all getting so old. What has happened to this country?

So there we go... let kids be kids. They need a chance to make decisions and choices for themselves. You need to set a good example and stop expecting everyone else to raise your child and stop blaming everyone else and look in the mirror. Oh and let's also address the fact that if you're not able to handle one kid, then having more is definitely not the answer. People may think I'm selfish or that I'm robbing my son of a built in friend by not having more kids, but I'll tell you one thing... he's an amazing little boy who's so affectionate, sweet, smart, funny, and intelligent. His dad and I like that we can be with him one on one and we're not trying to hide the world from him and force him into a certain way of life. I want him to experience all there is out there. We are far from perfect, but we address each situation as we come upon it and so far it's turning out pretty well.

Skinny Jeans

So I think Hell may have indeed frozen over because I just recently bought my first pair of skinny jeans. I had told myself that would be the one trend I would never, ever follow. I've seen them on too many lumpy bodies, hugging all the wrong parts and thought it would never suit my chicken legs in a flattering way. So in spite of all that, I convinced myself to go ahead and give it a try.

I tried on a pair at GAP and carefully turned to the mirror expecting to scream in horror, but was pleasantly surprised. They weren't the most horrendous thing after all. I actually looked kinda cute and suddenly a whole new genre of fashion opened up to me. I started putting outfits together in my head and pictured myself looking New York chic with my jeans and a fabulous pair of boots and some wooly tunic. Sad but true, this is my life.

I refuse to be put into a category because of my age or because I'm a mom. I think if you can do it, you do it. However, that doesn't mean everyone should be doing it. I will not wear elastic waisted pants, ever. I will not sport sweats to the grocery store or don embroidered sweaters with animals on them. I don't understand what happens to women once they get married and have kids. I still love putting on cute clothes, wearing make up, and generally making myself feel pretty everyday. I wish more people would take pride in their appearance. I'm not sure some people even own mirrors. Maybe that can be my new venture in life... I'll provide mirrors to those less fashionably fortunate.

Kindergarten?!

So when did Noah become an actual person? I cannot believe he's a real live kindergartner. I thought I had more time to prepare... him and myself. All of a sudden, it's the first day and he's thrust into a throng of little people. He was very excited for this new endeavor and I was as well, but at the same time dreading all the horrible side effects that would come with it. In my true, I have to blow everything out of proportion way, I started ruminating over all that could and probably would go wrong at some point.

I pictured big, ugly, snot-dripping bullies picking on him. I saw Noah face planting as he stepped off the bus and ruining his newly fixed button nose. I saw him sitting alone in a corner too shy to make new friends. I saw all the punks whose parents were too lazy to teach their kids any manners or decency rubbing off on him and ruining all our hard work to this point. I know that he needs to grow up and learn to deal with the world on his own, but of course part of me still wants to keep him in the little bubble I've created so he'll stay safe, warm, and ridiculously adorable. I know this is only the beginning. It doesn't mean I have to like it.

Thankfully the first day went off without a hitch and even though he seemed a bit nervous once we were actually headed out the door, he enjoyed the day as I hoped he would. He enjoys P.E. and the bus ride to his after school care. I can't wait to hear about all the wonderful things he'll learn. I can't wait to see him continue to blossom and develop into an amazing person. I can't wait to see what his favorite subjects will be. He's already decided he likes the tallest boy in class... good job son, he can serve as your bodyguard against the snotty bullies ;)

This is definitely one adventure I never saw myself on and yet here it is. I hope there's a lot of alcohol waiting for me on the other side.

Therapy!

Wow, it's been ages since I blogged about anything. I was so gung-ho when I first attempted this and I just let it fall by the wayside. Let's see if I can't get back on that horse, shall we?

So, much has happened since my last post. The biggest thing is I've decided to give therapy a whirl. I've been going through many things for a very long time and I think my mind and body just couldn't take it anymore. I figured I would request the help of a professional and see what they could do for me. I've been going for a little while now and it's been quite an eye opening experience. It's actually more enjoyable than I ever imagined and has come to be something I actually look forward to each week. I feel like I'm taking out a huge bag of garbage each time and the house looks a little better as we clear the clutter.

I have a long way to go and our main focus so far has been trying to get me over my fear of flying. We'll see how much progress we've made as I'm going to be making a cross country flight this weekend. I've been attempting the visualizations she suggests, but sadly keep getting distracted by pesky thoughts about other more fun things or even less fun things, but definitely not about flying. My subconscious is trying to put the kibosh on anything having to do with flying. I will persevere though and I will get through this. One day I hope this won't even be an issue. After all, I'd like to go somewhere besides Ocean City for our honeymoon.

I think I need to start making a list of all the other stuff I want to address because there's a lot and I feel like I'm on a roll right now. I have a lot of life left to live and I'd like to do it in a happier, more normal manner. Til next time. It'll be more fun, I promise.

He Put a Ring On It!

Wow... it's been much too long since my last post. I've just been busy or tired or lazy. Probably lazy mostly. I had such high hopes for my blog. I guess it's not a completely lost cause just yet. Much has happened since my last post.

The biggest news is of course my engagement! I never, ever thought I'd be saying those words again. It's been a very tumultuous couple of years and sometimes I worry it's too soon, but at the same time, it all just came about so easily. The proposal was amazingly a bit of a surprise, simple, and sweet. I will be making him re-propose when he originally planned to though.

We are heading to California for vacation soon and that was his original idea to propose to me, but he got a bit antsy and I wasn't being exactly cooperative so it came about a bit sooner. It made me so happy. I also feel like I might go join the circus now too. I keep wondering what am I getting myself into again? I love my life with him, but of course I worry that I might mess up again. I can't go through all of this again. I think this life will work though. Marriage is a different thing to me now and I'm older and wiser... well I'm at least older.

I can't stop staring at the ring and I'm now in total planning mode. I didn't think I'd get this excited about planning a wedding again and we decided we would keep it small, but it's not stopping the hamster from running full speed in his little wheel in my head. I've bought the magazines and I peruse the websites all day. It's a bit sad.

I cannot believe how out of control wedding prices have become though. I'm in the wrong business! Even to have an intimate wedding I may have to sell some body parts. I don't know how they justify it, but I guess we silly woman-folk keep convincing people to let us do this, so they can keep charging outlandish prices for napkins and personalized mints. When will we learn?